SALT LAKE CITY —Your kids know you love them, but do they feel safe with you when emotions matter most?
Defining loving versus safe moms
KSL parenting contributor Heather Johnson talked about a “loving mom” versus a “safe mom.” Johnson defines what a loving mom and a safe mom is, and how this topic has a huge impact on the relationships with your kids as they get older. She discussed what’s more important, love or safety?
According to Johnson, this difference is something that can erode a foundation that supports the relationship between a mom and kid.
Consequences of not being safe
Johnson had some approaches every mom can apply to be a safe mom. She said when a mom is not a safe mom, they raise kids who feel they cannot come to their mom when needed. Johnson said there are adult kids where they feel they can only bring a very polished version of themselves to their mom.
“The things that we really need to hear from them and wanna connect with them on, they don't bring to us anymore,” Johnson said.
Comparing event-based and emotion-based care
Johnson has two distinctive definitions for a safe mom and a loving mom.
A loving mom:
Shows up to childhood events
Provides food and snacks
Drives kids everywhere
Goes to every school event
A safe mom:
Shows up to the emotions of childhood
Is present and can hear when a day is hard
The difference is event versus emotion. Johnson said both aspects of motherhood are powerful and important, but people should consider what matters most.
“Actually, it might be that being a safe mom matters the most,” Johnson said.
The importance of emotional safety
A safe mom creates a foundation, allowing for kids to come to their mom when the child is in adulthood.
“They (children) can show up and bring the ugly and the beautiful, and they know that as our, as their mom, we are going to be there, and it will be very, a very safe place to, to show up,” Johnson said.
Regulate First
Mom's need to stay calm, being calm is contagious. Johnson said it is all about regulating emotions.
“When we're calm, we invite our kids to be calm,” Johnson said.
When mom's do not regulate their emotions, the kids have to regulate their emotions. This means there is no space for the kids to fully express how they feel. This is where things can get complicated, and it impacts the relationship long term.
Validate Without Fixing
Johnson said parents are terrible validating without fixing.
Johnson gave the example of telling your child to talk to a professor when they have problems in college classes, instead of listening to them.
“We want to fix it,” Johnson said. “Just validate it.”
Repair Quickly
A gold standard in being a safe mom is to not avoid repair in relationships. Healthy families still hurt each other, but it is how the repair is made.
“When something gets hard, you don't avoid it or run from it,” Johnson said. “You go right to it, and you repair it.”
Johnson said this is realizing when to apologize, when to take responsibility and when to take accountability. She said applying these tips when the kids are longer will make a lasting impact when they are teenagers, and enter adulthood.
