SALT LAKE CITY- Dr. Matt Townsend says we are living in a quiet crisis within our closest relationship.
He says our culture's obsession with independence might break our most intimate bonds. Dr. Townsend says as a society we are so focused on having our own life, and not bringing others into it.
“We don’t know how to become one,” he said. “We are so focused as a culture on individualism.”
Dr. Townsend has four ways we can go from “me” to “we” in relationships. From not keeping score in a relationship to being more vulnerable, these four ways can help form more personal bonds in a relationship. He says people have their own career, own rights and we don’t know how to live one life while merging someone else’s together.
Step 1: Remember the third entity- “we”
Dr. Townsend said relationships don’t fail because people stop caring, they fail because there is no unity.
“We don’t appreciate marriage like we used to, and as an institution, it’s kind of going away,” he said.
He wants every couple to ask themselves, “do I want to be right, or do I want to be one?” He said in the end, you want to strengthen your relationship, and to strengthen the “we”. In an argument, think of what you can do to strengthen relationships.
Dr. Townsend attributes the third entity to a garden, it needs to be nurtured to grow. If you don’t work on it and take care of it, the relationship will eventually die. He said to go on date night and ask your partner how the relationship is doing.
“[Ask] not just how are you doing and not just how am I doing, [but] how is it growing,” Dr. Townsend said.
Avoid criticizing and auditing partners
Step 2: Stop keeping a tally
Dr. Townsend said it is important to actually talk about what a relationship needs and how both partners are contributing to it.
“If you’re constantly criticizing, constantly complaining, and auditing what your partner’s doing, then you’re already starting to kill the relationship,” he said.
Step 3: Attention to repair is what strengthens the relationship
According to Dr. Townsend, arguments are healthy. The healthiest couples are the ones with issues, and know how to repair them.
He said to ask yourself what you can do daily to positively impact the relationship of your marriage.
Dr. Townsend also said when having an argument or discussion, from it as what both partners can do to better the relationship and the situation.
Embrace vulnerability during difficult conversations
Step 4: Speak from the heart, not the head
“One of the greatest ways to actually get rid of a fight is to talk about your vulnerability,” he said.
Instead of claiming what one partner did or didn’t do, talk about the vulnerable moments and what you would like to see in the relationship. He said to not demand what you want from the relationship in your partner.
“It’s not about them changing as much as us creating something new,” Dr. Townsend said.
Dr. Townsend shared his Becoming One program, and how this program helps couples every day. This program is a coaching program for couples to sit down and have questions answered, or to call. There are about 40 different workshops and classes.
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For more information, visit matttownstend.com
