SALT LAKE CITY — They disconnect us, even break us, generation after generation. KSL Parenting Contributor Heather Johnson has identified a few common lies families tell themselves. She said if we want healthier families, we have to start telling the truth!
The source of family lies
Johnson said these lies are often not intentional.
“We’re not doing this intentionally,” she explained. “We have our own fears and our insecurities… and we let them get in the way of telling the truth.”
She explained that families pass on these lies generationally.
“We teach them to our kids and then they are raised and teach them to their kids.”
Johnson called out three lies and set us straight with the truth.
Repairing hurt in relationships
Lie: Healthy families don't hurt each other.
Truth: Healthy families hurt each other, and healthy families repair.
Johnson said that healthy families do hurt each other. Every relationship involves misunderstanding, mistakes or pain.
“Because we're not perfect, we do things that hurt our kids,” she explained. “Kids make decisions that hurt their parents. Grandparents step in where they shouldn't.”
She said the more important thing to recognize is that healthy families repair.
“They’re willing to put in whatever work it takes to stay connected,” Johnson explained.
Many families try to avoid conflict all together, but Johnson said that mindset can actually make things worse. Healthy families know what to do when there is hurt between family members.
“They’re willing to have the uncomfortable conversations,” she explained. “They're willing to say, ‘I love you, and what you just did was really hurtful.'”
Lie: Love should be unconditional.
Truth: Love can be unconditional. Behavior cannot be.
While unconditional love is often held up as the gold standard Johnson said it can be misunderstood.
“Love can be unconditional. Behavior cannot be,” she explained.
Love doesn’t mean accepting harmful behavior. Johnson said we tend to weaponize unconditional love.
“If you love me unconditionally, you won’t be mad at me,” she gave as an example. “If you love me unconditionally, then you'll be okay with however I treat you. You'll get over it.”
Johnson said boundaries can, and should, be set in families.
“There are things that we need to speak up about, that we need to address when it comes to behavior,” she explained.
The danger of silence
Lie: If we don't talk about it, it will go away.
Truth: Silence is not peace. It is avoidance dressed up as harmony.
When the hard things go unspoken, they don’t actually disappear, they build. Avoiding the issue may feel easier, but over time, it does the opposite.
“If we don’t talk about it, it calcifies,” she explained. “It sticks with us, and it attaches itself to us, and then we carry it with us over and over.”
Unresolved conflicts can actually impact relationships for years, even across generations. Johnson said it's not that healthy families don't face challenges, it's that they are willing to work through them.
“Heathy families are willing to look at it and open their mouths and say, ‘Let’s have a conversation,’” she emphasized.
She also explained that conflict isn’t the enemy of connection. When families handle it well, it can bring family members closer.
“It should be, ‘I love and want so much for us to stay connected when life is real that I'm gonna do whatever it takes for us to work through this together,'” Johnson explained.
This story was adapted from a TV broadcast script using artificial intelligence. Every story, including those adapted with AI, is reviewed by a human editor before publication to ensure that KSL's editorial standards are upheld.
